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Elevator goooing up

Ground floor Shoppers' Paradise
habit-dashery, needles, spoons and knives
knuckle-dusters, glass jaws and wooden hearts
Spend your money girls on sprays and lipsticks
tested on bunnies, girls, strays and misfits
ozone friendly rape alarms
for those blinding dates
another summer of hate

It's the top shop for the tired and rundown
going up for the final comedown
First and second floors, third and fourth world wars
We've got a free pair of flares
with every hip replacement
just take the stairs to the bargain basement
Babies bottles full of the milk of human kind nestle

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
the big shop is open it's a wonderful world

Top floor Shoppers' Paradise
we've got a drunk Father Christmas and The Antichrist
We've got nothing of value so there's no V.A.T.
we're going S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G.
We take Visa, Access, American Express
patched-up, hand-me-down, second to next best
clothes for all ages, mothers and babies

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
the big shop is open it's a wonderful world

Going down for all the things you missed
all the love. peace and happiness that don't exist
We've got enpsychopaedias we've got pic 'n' fix
a government freezer full of benefits
A children's assortment we're bigger than Hamleys
We've got Cabbage Patch orphans from Sylvanian Famllies
"I'd like to have a million pounds"
Carpets, linoleum, holy petroleum,
Chemi-kaze killers, little Hitlers and Napoleons
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
the big shop is open and the world
is wonderful

Ya' know what?
I used to think money was everything
If you've got money I used to say you could have beautiful birds, handsome suits, a car of your own
but those things aren't a bit of use without your good health

Shoplifters will be prosecuted, hung, drawn, quartered and then executed.
Armageddon come and meet your maker, it's 3 steps to Heaven on the escalator.
Signing his good book in hardback and in paperback


End lyrics courtesy of Jim Bob's memory as they don't appear anywhere else

I might be well wrong here but, IIRC, Woolworth's Stores used to have an Argos/Index-type section called Shoppers' Paradise, although as I am actually typing this I am doubting myself. Am I right or is my memory a bunch of arse?

Christmas Shoppers' Paradise features a newsreader saying “In Oxford Street the Christmas shopping rush has begun” instead of "Elevator goooing up"
I'm sure that there is more bells in this version and has a extended newsreader sample at the end

/home/cusmwikicom/ · Last modified: 2020/09/04 03:06 by parry